Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Bad Luck Mama

So, I guess I was wrong about going to jail when caught speeding in a school zone...

The judge told my mom he is 'supposed' to fine her and put her in jail for 10 days...

I think she almost crapped her pants....

Luckily he did not put her in jail...

But, the next day her radiator in her Range Rover blew...

Bad Luck Mamacita.

Monday, March 28, 2011

To the person who began using the phrase "And What Not":  Why? Why did you create a phrase that encompasses all the stupid things people elude to saying, but don't actually articulate because they can just say "and what not"? I am officially giving you an "Indian Giver" card to use for this annoying expression. Please, get it back, and keep it somewhere safe and don't ever mention it again.  

Saturday, March 26, 2011

 So I asked my mom what we should make for my B-day dinner next week.

She said "Your Birthday is next week?" (with this really horrified, shocked expression.)

Yes, mom, my birthday is next week, and I have a twin, so you'd think you could remember two of your children's b-days.

Then she says "I might be in jail!"

Ummm...
(light laugh) Why?

"Because I was going 45 in a school zone and I have court on Monday!!!"

They don't automatically book you in county jail just for a court appearance for the second ticket of your life mom.

"They don't?"
No.

But, since you're so concerned, why don't you just make preparations for it.

She says "I will."

Ok.

I'll just see you when they let you out.

Really, some people wonder why I an the way I am.
Now you know people.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Was teaching a hockey practice tonight and one of the kids wasn't listening so I said "Hockey Players listen to their Coach and do what Coach says".

So he says "But I don' want to play hockey, I want to play football. My dad makes me play hockey."

Well son,

That would be a problem wouldn't it?

Good luck in life kiddo.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Dear U.S. Government:

Instead of taxing the shit out of us, why don't you sell Girl Scout Cookies as a fundraiser? 


I can see there are some holes in the following, but just go with it:

National Debt: 14 Trillion & Counting.


So, Take the $7 cost...(may need some adjusting to account for production cost/loss-profit Margin)

14 Trillion / by $7 per box= 2 Trillion Boxes that need to be sold to cover debt.

# of people IRS recorded as tax payers in 2007(most data available): 


136 Million.

So, take the minimum of 2 Trillion boxes needed to sell in order to cover debt and / by 136 Million Tax payers = 7.35 boxes each.


After you pay down the National Debt you could fuel your Childhood Obesity program from future proceeds


= Job Security!!!


 You'd be rich. Then you could be like Alaska and pay us to live in your country.


On second thought, why don't you just practice Imminent Domain and take the recipes and naming rights from Girl Scouts of America and force the members of the President's Cabinet to go door to door and actually earn their freaking salaries to pay for this God forsaken Middle Eastern Conflict we're hip deep in? 



Besides, who doesn't like Girl Scout Cookies?

Everybody does.

I bet even our lovely Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would buy a few cases to snack on while abroad.


Not to beat a dead horse, but, you should also make it a requirement that all Illegal Immigrants should have to buy two boxes per child if they'd like to keep receiving health benefits, and four boxes the get a Driver's License (especially in Utah).


Better yet, make all U.N. Countries buy them as well. Instead of the Geneva Convention, you could have a Cookie Convention. (I bet terrorists would be less angry if they had a Somoan Party in their mouths.)
Think about it...It could totally work.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Dear Figure Skating Community...

Can we PLEASE take a break from any and all music DISNEY music? 


I have a freaking headache!!! 


You can probably resume a few of the less-stupid Disney songs in a few years, but please, no more anything EVER from 
"The Sound Of Music", 
"High School Musical" (all of them), 
and although they're not Disney, but, anything resembling "Riverdance" -esque Irish music, it's creepy, because the only thing I think of is that sweaty blonde Irish guy from the real Riverdance...you know the one. 


I add to my list of barred music any six year old shakin' it to "Chicago" and/or "Can-Can" chorus line stuff. 
That is also creepy.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Dear Cup Holders in my car...

I really love you, and find you most convenient, but, Why are you so damn hard to clean??? I've got chocolate ice cream drips in there from last summer I still cannot clean out because I can't get my chubby finger in there good enough!!!