Friday, July 8, 2011

Houston...

We have PIGS!

Waaay cute! More pics to come for sure!

Baby Chicks

My mother mail ordered 30 baby chicks...Without having a place for them to sleep outside...So, they lived in our office for several weeks.

Pretty adorable..Until they started crapping non-stop.





Q & A

q: What do you get when you shave Chanel?

Furry Chanel: 




a: Shaved-Goat Chanel!:


She does look pretty sad. But at least now she won't die of heat stroke.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

How well do you know your customers?

YOU KNOW THOSE KNICK-KNACK COMPANIES THAT WILL PRINT YOUR BUSINESS NAME ON ITEMS FOR YOU TO GIVE OUT?

I want to get something our customers will ACTUALLY use.

Well, I'm torn between pushing for the pocket "Bottle Opener" and the "Pocket Breathalyzer".

Enough said.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Feelin' Lucky...

Boss man bought me a new 'Executive Chair'. Soft, plush black leather with white stitching. Stylish.

Hmmm...He either thinks I'm doing a great job and would like to reward my backside...
Or, he thinks I'm not spending enough time sitting on my a** takin' care of business!

Either way, I'm comfy as a cottontail in a cabbage patch. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Was speaking with a woman today who is raising her granddaughter and having a hard time of it.

(Kudos to you, by the way.)

But then, she told me her granddaughter has ADHD,  ADD & ODD.

I say; "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with ODD. What is it?"

"Obedience, Defiance, Disorder. It's very serious, and there is no cure."

I smell BULLSHIT! What?

Lady, you mean you actually paid an f***ing co-pay to a Dr's Office to be fed that line of BS?

There is a cure:

Demand a refund from your stupid Dr (who probably got his degree online), buy yourself a bar of soap with the refund and wash your granddaughters mouth out with it!!!!!!! (It tends to work better than slapping the shit out of her, because kids are now 'empowered' and will call Child & Protective Services).

Rinse. Repeat if Necessary.

That'll cure anything you got wrong lady.

Hmmm...

The little, itty, bitty screw just fell out of my reading glasses hinge.

I'm so glad I have the screw.

But, I need to wear my ******* Reading Glasses to see afore mentioned screw, and screw it in!!!!!!!

Really life? You had to be harder today!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Love that the old folks home in town advertises "Free Rent For Life".


Thursday, April 7, 2011

Dear Subway:

I am sorry for cheating on you.
But Jimmy's Sammy is more satisfying than yours.
And, they don't make me feel guilty for not choosing the sandwich with the least fat grams.
They love that I like their medium roast beef, full-fat mayo, tomatoes, lettuce & onions.
The guy even called me 'sweetie'.
Top that, Subway.

Enjoy your lunch!




Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Bad Luck Mama

So, I guess I was wrong about going to jail when caught speeding in a school zone...

The judge told my mom he is 'supposed' to fine her and put her in jail for 10 days...

I think she almost crapped her pants....

Luckily he did not put her in jail...

But, the next day her radiator in her Range Rover blew...

Bad Luck Mamacita.

Monday, March 28, 2011

To the person who began using the phrase "And What Not":  Why? Why did you create a phrase that encompasses all the stupid things people elude to saying, but don't actually articulate because they can just say "and what not"? I am officially giving you an "Indian Giver" card to use for this annoying expression. Please, get it back, and keep it somewhere safe and don't ever mention it again.  

Saturday, March 26, 2011

 So I asked my mom what we should make for my B-day dinner next week.

She said "Your Birthday is next week?" (with this really horrified, shocked expression.)

Yes, mom, my birthday is next week, and I have a twin, so you'd think you could remember two of your children's b-days.

Then she says "I might be in jail!"

Ummm...
(light laugh) Why?

"Because I was going 45 in a school zone and I have court on Monday!!!"

They don't automatically book you in county jail just for a court appearance for the second ticket of your life mom.

"They don't?"
No.

But, since you're so concerned, why don't you just make preparations for it.

She says "I will."

Ok.

I'll just see you when they let you out.

Really, some people wonder why I an the way I am.
Now you know people.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Was teaching a hockey practice tonight and one of the kids wasn't listening so I said "Hockey Players listen to their Coach and do what Coach says".

So he says "But I don' want to play hockey, I want to play football. My dad makes me play hockey."

Well son,

That would be a problem wouldn't it?

Good luck in life kiddo.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Dear U.S. Government:

Instead of taxing the shit out of us, why don't you sell Girl Scout Cookies as a fundraiser? 


I can see there are some holes in the following, but just go with it:

National Debt: 14 Trillion & Counting.


So, Take the $7 cost...(may need some adjusting to account for production cost/loss-profit Margin)

14 Trillion / by $7 per box= 2 Trillion Boxes that need to be sold to cover debt.

# of people IRS recorded as tax payers in 2007(most data available): 


136 Million.

So, take the minimum of 2 Trillion boxes needed to sell in order to cover debt and / by 136 Million Tax payers = 7.35 boxes each.


After you pay down the National Debt you could fuel your Childhood Obesity program from future proceeds


= Job Security!!!


 You'd be rich. Then you could be like Alaska and pay us to live in your country.


On second thought, why don't you just practice Imminent Domain and take the recipes and naming rights from Girl Scouts of America and force the members of the President's Cabinet to go door to door and actually earn their freaking salaries to pay for this God forsaken Middle Eastern Conflict we're hip deep in? 



Besides, who doesn't like Girl Scout Cookies?

Everybody does.

I bet even our lovely Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would buy a few cases to snack on while abroad.


Not to beat a dead horse, but, you should also make it a requirement that all Illegal Immigrants should have to buy two boxes per child if they'd like to keep receiving health benefits, and four boxes the get a Driver's License (especially in Utah).


Better yet, make all U.N. Countries buy them as well. Instead of the Geneva Convention, you could have a Cookie Convention. (I bet terrorists would be less angry if they had a Somoan Party in their mouths.)
Think about it...It could totally work.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Dear Figure Skating Community...

Can we PLEASE take a break from any and all music DISNEY music? 


I have a freaking headache!!! 


You can probably resume a few of the less-stupid Disney songs in a few years, but please, no more anything EVER from 
"The Sound Of Music", 
"High School Musical" (all of them), 
and although they're not Disney, but, anything resembling "Riverdance" -esque Irish music, it's creepy, because the only thing I think of is that sweaty blonde Irish guy from the real Riverdance...you know the one. 


I add to my list of barred music any six year old shakin' it to "Chicago" and/or "Can-Can" chorus line stuff. 
That is also creepy.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Dear Cup Holders in my car...

I really love you, and find you most convenient, but, Why are you so damn hard to clean??? I've got chocolate ice cream drips in there from last summer I still cannot clean out because I can't get my chubby finger in there good enough!!!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Communication Styles....

I've decided to work on my communication.


Hence, the upgrade to the Magna-Doodle Deluxe.



Thanks for your support Fischer Price. (The things that turn up in Lost & Found at an ice arena!)

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy V-DAY!

Conversation Hearts never talk back, and they usually have something nice to say!
IN-N-OUT, always a good idea!
Vanilla Cupcake with a Cherry on top! 




I hope your day is going as well as mine!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

New Motto:

"Manage Toward Improvement."

We can't climb a mountain in one day, only one step at a time. And, we can't become what we want to be personally, at home and in the work place unless we begin by assessing our strengths and weaknesses and begin managing ourselves, and those we are responsible for, in a positive direction with, not perfection as the goal, but consistent, daily improvement. 


Friday, January 14, 2011

New Year...New Approach...


I've been told that I run in a million different directions, and say a million different things at the same time...
So I'm trying to figure out what it is I WANT TO SAY...AND WHAT DIRECTION I WANT TO GO....and I'm going to start by posting more about Music on my La Musica page. Check it out...let me know if it SUCKS/ROCKS...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Not sure I want to admit...

But..Yes, I did just google my own blog to see if it would come up. And, it came up, after a woman's (also named Mariko) "Divorced Women" profile where she states that she is new to this country and very lonely. Will someone please be her friend on Facebook and take her on a freaking date so she can erase that horrible profile and move on with her life?!

How depressing.

Seriously.

On second thought,

it's probably one of those immigrant marriage scams where the Russian mafya sets up an unsuspecting 'accountant-loner-type' with a hot-18 year old 'guaranteed virgin'-bride named Svetlanna who turns out to be some crazy sex worker/drug trafficker who hawks all of your belongings while you're at work one day, ruins your credit score and gives you herpes.

Hey, it could happen.

Haven't you ever seen Law & Order SVU?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Vision


I recently went into one of our local skate shops and read a Nixon ad featuring skateboarder Paul Rodreguez, CH, (Certified Hottie). His poster said;

"Vision without Action is just Daydreaming."





Add to that:

"Action Without Vision is a Nightmare."
Japanese Proverb

...And you have something to think about the whole day today!

Monday, November 15, 2010

I love that my mom still thinks that the FedEx man is who broke our gates to our driveway. Not just broke, but rammed them down. Ha Ha Ha-

Saturday, October 16, 2010

And...I'm back!

Sometimes life can take so much from us. I hope I always remember to give myself props for the amazing things I do and realize as I try to overcome my weaknesses that many things I have to deal with in life may not be easy, but change is possible!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Friday, October 17, 2008